Things I learned in the past year

The past year of my life has been a real rollercoaster. There have been some really low points but also some high ones. And I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about  myself but also friendship, love and importance of my own health. I have had times when I can’t control my emotions, when it feels like absolutely everything is going wrong. I cannot tell you how much I have started to value everything that I have in my life.

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The most difficult thing that I have faced has been – of course – my illness. It has taken me down and took away the control I so much need. But when something like this happens, you have to face it and then accept it. Of course it’s always easier said than done but it still applies.

“when you fall, you have two choices – you either stay on the ground or you get up and try again”

And it is that simple. I know that I probably won’t have a full control again but I chose to control the things I can. I can control my attitude and my behavior towards others. So this is what I do. I have the control in this situation and that makes me feel safe.

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“family is bound by blood, friends by love, trust and affection”

This has been a year of changes. I have lost some friends I thought would be in my life for a long time but as the time passes, people just drift apart. I still love and care about them but life happens. We all change and it would be foolish to expect for everything to stay the same at all times. For example, when I was little I had this beautiful pink coat. I loved it and if it would’ve been possible I would’ve worn it allll the time. I loved it and it was dear to me but as I got older, it just didn’t fit anymore. I grew out of it. But that didn’t meant that I didn’t love it anymore.
And this is the case with lost friends. They go but they never leave your heart. You still have that little space for them in your heart.

But it’s not all sad. When some people go, new ones come to place. That is the circle of life. And truth be told, I don’t know how I have been so lucky to get such amazing friends who support me whenever it’s needed, push me when I myself don’t have the courage to do something. And when it’s a harder day I know that they make it better, even if they don’t know when something is not okay. They are my people and they make my life better. This is what matters in life.

You know you have your people around you when you can be your own silly self and they become even sillier and y’all can laugh about it together. But also when you can talk about the deep stuff. This is what true friends are. They listen, are there for you for the happy times and when things get bad. They are there and make sure you are okay and help however they can.

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“when you love someone, nothing else matters than their well-being and caring about someone other than you and your own needs”

I know that I share quite a lot of myself online but one thing that I am extremely private about is my relationships. It’s one part of my life that I want to keep to myself but I still want to tell you a little about how my relationships have affected me and the course of my life.
I have been in love. I was head ober heels for this guy but later I found out the person I was with, wasn’t the kind I thought him to be. I gave him all my trust and love but it wasn’t all mutual. It was a hard and messy relationship overall. But even despite of that, I did love him and deeply cared about him. But what happened between us was a little too much. The only thing I will never forgive anyone is betraying my trust. And he betrayed my trust to the point where I just can’t trust people completely anymore. I keep a lot to myself to keep from getting hurt again. It really sucks but I am still learning to cope with it. I want to love like that again. I want to care about someone like that again but it’s hard. I locked my heart away so far that even I can’t find it anymore.

But the hardest moment was a little while ago when I had someone new in my life. It was then when we had been together for a little bit when I realized that I care about him but I never really loved him. Not like he did me. I think that the timing was just really off for me. Because how could I love someone when I keep my heart locked away from it? And I couldn’t do this to him. I knew it was time to let him go and deal with the problems I have. It is hard because I know that I hurt him but going further with the relationship where I couldn’t give him my love would hurt both of us a lot more in a long run.

So, what I want to say in conclusion is that life throws a lot in our way and it’s not always the things we want but we need to accept them, learn something and move on to something else. This is how life works. But if you get too stuck in your own mind or in the past then trust me when I say that everyone has had things in their life that have hurt them but this isn’t enough of a reason to give up. Better things are coming when you just believe and carry on living. Trust me, I know.

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Best summer ’17 memories

The summer has reached its end and I can’t believe how fast it want by. It’s crazy. So I thought that I would quickly sum it all up and show you some of my best memories that I have of this summer. No long talk, let’s get into it!

All of these were taken on my trip to Poland and with some of the most amazing people I met there. The first one marks my first plane ride all on my own, I was so anxious but also excited for it. I remember how I got to the airport at the last minute. I thought that I was really late. I was supposed to be up at 4.30 and in the airport at 4.50 to have some extra time, just in case. But instead I woke up at 5 in the morning. I got ready in 5 minutes and grabbed my breakfast on the way. But I still made it in time (and had to wait for over 10 min to get on the plane, and then another 15 min sat on the plane before it took off).

Second and forth one were taken in Warsaw when we had hours to spend in the city. The second one was when we got a little bored and just started to take some photos of each other (I am there with Anastasia, another girl from the estonian group and whom I got quite close to). We were discovering the old town and having lunch in a quite traditional Polish restaurant before heading back to get our luggage and heading to Nieborow with rest of the group.

And the third one was taken in the middle of the polish youth exchange with my babes from Macedonia and the best guy from Romania. They were few of those who I got really close to. |09.-17.06.17 |

Those two photos were taken on a little event called Photowalk X VLND what was basically an event for photographers to discover some new interesting places in Viljandi (my hometown), take cool interesting photos of each other (or someone doing their magic) and to, also, get to know other photographers around this area. I had so much fun, and to be honest I got more comfortable shooting in public. In a sense that I get super self-conscious when I am photographing something/someone and when people are around. But I got over myself there haha. | 22.07.17 |

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At a family picnic, holding my little baby cousin. She is the most adorable little one, but also the sassiest one haha. She’s such a princess.
For me, family is everything. And just sitting down in a quiet little place near the woods and a lake was just perfect. I got to spend time with relatives I hadn’t seen for a little while and it was so good to just spend some quality time with them. | 30.07.17 |

All taken on my latest Erasmus+ project in Laidze, Latvia.

First photo. On Latvian night where the people showed us old Latvian traditions. Which one of them was to put honey in a fire. On the second photo there is our favorite cat from the trip – we named him Simba – who always followed us around.

The third and fourth photo are taken in the first official day of the project during/between some bonding games with some awesome people from the estonian team. 🙂 | 06.-14.08.17 |

These were taken for an article for a local online magazine VLND and I had the pleasure to photograph the IX dance and song festival for people with special needs. It was so heartwarming to see so many people full of love and joy even though the weather wasn’t on our side at all times. They danced and sang through the rain and not once complained. When I left the event I was so happy and excited that it was ME whose photos of this amazing event, were published and seen by so many people. | 26.08.17 |

So, these were some of the brightest but there were so many good ones that this would go on and on for ever. I had a really good time travelling around, spending time with some old friends but also with friends I made during my time abroad. Right at this moment, I couldn’t imagine my life without them. It was a summer full of laughter, happiness, the ups and the downs. But it was definitely a good one.

Magic of Purple

Hello! The long waited post is finally here! I got the photos a while back actually but WordPress has been playing with me because for some reason the photos had a terrible quality each time I have tried to upload them here. And yes, They look absolutely beautiful and high quality everywhere else.

But here are some of my favorite photos from my photoshoot. Enjoy and let me know what do you think of this new and totally different hairstyle!

Photographer: Ako Lehemets

Heihopsti! Ja ongi see kauaoodatud postitus teie ees! Ma sain pildid juba pĂ€ris tĂŒkk aega tagasi, aga kuna mina ja WordPress pole viimasel ajal just kĂ”ige paremini lĂ€bi saanud siis oli pisike probleem – nimelt iga kord kui ĂŒritasin neid pilte siia ĂŒles panna, siis kvaliteet oli nii halb, et ma lihtsalt ei suutnud veenda ennast neid ĂŒles panema. Ning jah, pildid on muidu super kvaliteediga nii et viga peab kuskil siin leiduma. Iseasi, aga kus siis ikkagi tĂ€psemalt.

Igastahes, siin on siis mÔned minu lemmikud pildid, mis nÀdala eest tehtud said. Anna teada kuidas pildid meeldivad ning ka mis arvad sellest uuest ja totaalselt teistsugusest soengust!

Fotograaf: Ako Lehemets

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I have been keeping a secret..

I need to confess something. I have been hiding something from all of you but I can’t keep it inside anymore. I wasn’t planning to talk about it for a long time but I am afraid what will happen if I don’t talk about it.

The reason I haven’t been online that much for the past few months is because on April 5th I was officially diagnosed with JIA aka Juvenile Ideopathical Artritis.

Who is not familiar with it then shortly said it’s a condition where my own body has started attacking my joints. For me it has caused severe pain in both of my wrists and knees. And this makes even the most simple and most everyday things harder for me than they are for most people.

I wish I could say that it only hurts me physically. It plays with my mind and tests my own limits. Because every morning I wake up and I feel it. I feel it everywhere. It breaks my heart because I had to give up some things that I love. There are so many days when I was ready to give up and not fight it because I lost a lot because of this. I lost some people. But then I have to remind myself that hopefully gets easier. That one day I will be better. And there are only people next to me who truly care about me and love me with their whole heart.

I have been also in a role of the friend who sees the other person experience this. And it isn’t easy, I get it. It breaks the spirit of the person. If you have been friends for a long time and remember the person as the most happiest one then you have to be prepared for it to change. Because it will. There will be days when they close up and stay away from everything. And there will be days when they want to be around people as much as possible. In that case, please don’t close them out. I beg you. It makes their world even worse because the nasty thoughts will get the best of them.

I can’t never blame the people if it’s too much for them to handle. Every day with this is different. Some days I do feel like I could fight the world and other days I feel like I never want to wake up. It’s harsh to say but this is the truth.

So. This is the conclusion of what has been going on and what I am dealing with right now. And to finish it then I ask you to be kind to people around you, you can never know what is happening to them. And when you see that something is wrong then just be there for the person, offer your shoulder when you feel they need to cry or just an ear to listen them out. And never close them out. It will only make everything worse.

If you have any questions about it or want to know more about then don’t be afraid to ask. You can always write in here or if you want to talk privately then you can write me in any of my social media accounts.

And for any disclaimers out there then this post is not for seeking attention but showing others that it is important to speak up. To make talking about your mental and physical health okay and normal, not as a tabu thing.

Where to find me | YouTube | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook

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Ma tahan midagi ĂŒles tunnistada. Ma olen seda varjanud peaaegu, et kĂ”igi eest, aga ma ei suuda seda enam teha. Ma ei plaaninud sellest veel pikka aega rÀÀkida, kuid ma kardan natuke, mis vĂ”ib juhtuda kui ma seda ei tee.
PĂ”hjus, miks ma olen viimase paari kuu jooksul olnud netist rohkem eemal on see, et 5ndal aprillil diagnoositi mind juveniilse ideopaatilise artriidiga (ehk lĂŒhidalt öeldes JIA).

Kes pole sellega tuttav siis lĂŒhidalt öeldes on see seisund, kus mu enda keha on pöördunud iseenda vastu ning selle tulemusena hakanud mu liigiseid rĂŒndama. Minu jaoks pĂ”hjustab see Ă€gedat valu nii mĂ”lemates randmetes ning pĂ”lvedes. Ning selle tulemusena vĂ”ivad mĂ”ned kĂ”ige lihtsamad ja igapĂ€evasemad asjad mulle raskeks osutada.

Ma soovin, et ma saaksin öelda, et see pĂ”hjustab valu mulle ainult fĂŒĂŒsilisel tasandil. See mĂ€ngib mu mĂ”tetega ning paneb mind igapĂ€evaselt proovile. Kuna iga hommik ma Ă€rkan ĂŒles ja ma tunnen seda. Ma tunnen seda lĂ”pmatut valu igal pool. Ning see murrab mu sĂŒdame, kuna olen olnud sunnitud loobuma mĂ”nest asjast, mida ma armastan. On olnud nii palju pĂ€evi, kus ma tunnen, et ma lihtsalt ei jĂ”ua enam vĂ”idelda selle vastu, kuna see on vĂ”tnud minult juba nii palju. Ma olen kaotanud enda kĂ”rvalt inimesi, kes ma soovin, et poleks lahkunud. Kuid sel hetkel ma pean hakkama endale jĂ€llegi meelde tuletama, et on veel nii palju mille pĂ€rast vĂ”idelda ning et ehk lĂ”puks tasub see kĂ€ik Ă€ra. Ehk lĂ€heb siis kĂ”ik kergemaks. Ehk ĂŒhel pĂ€eval on kĂ”ik parem. Ning sel hetkel seisavad minu kĂ”rval inimesed, mes tĂ”eliselt hoolivad minust and armastavad mind kogu oma sĂŒdamega.

Ma saan öeda, et ma mĂ”istan neid, kelle jaoks on seda kĂ”ike liiga palju, et lihtsalt olemas olla minu jaoks, kuna ma olen olnud selles olukorras, kus ma olen sĂ”bra rollis. Ma siiani olen. Nii et ma saan sellest aru. See on raske. See murrab selle inimese vaimu, kes seda lĂ€bi elab. See inimene muutub niivĂ”rd palju, et vĂ”ib mĂ”nele tunduda lausa vÔÔrana. Kui enne oli see inimene pidavelt rÔÔmus ja positiivne inimene, kes uskus maailma headusesse siis ole valmis, et see muutub. On pĂ€evi, kus see inimene tahab olla ainult ĂŒksina ning on sulgenud oma mĂ”tetesse. Ning on pĂ€evi, kus ainuke asi mida ta ĂŒle kĂ”ige tahab, on olla inimeste keskel. Ning see on hetk, kus sa ei tohiks inimest kĂ”rvale heita. Kuna need mĂ”tted, mis hakkavad sel juhul ligi tulema, ei ole ilusad ega Ă”nnelikud.

Enda seisukohalt saan öelda, et see poleks minust aus, kui ma sĂŒĂŒdistaks neid inimesi lahkumises, kui see on liiga palju nende jaoks. Kuna see mis toimub mu enda peas on selline, kuhu ma ei tahaks kedagi lasta. See pole ilus. MĂ”ned pĂ€evad on sellised, kus ma tunnen, et ma suudan kogu maailmale vastu olla ning teistel pĂ€evadel on ainukeseks mĂ”tteks see, et ma ei tahaks enam kunagi ĂŒles Ă€rgata. Seda on karm öelda, kuid see on tĂ”si. 

Niisiis. See on siis kokkuvĂ”te sellest, mis on viimasel ajal toimunud ning millega ma pean hetkel hakkama saama. Ning lĂ”petuseks tahan veel paluda, et oleksid lahke ja sĂ”bralik nende vastu, kes on su ĂŒmber, sa ei vĂ”i kunagi teada, mis nende elus toimuda vĂ”ib ning paar head sĂ”na vĂ”ib olla nende pĂ€eva tipphetk. Ja kui sa nĂ€ed, et midagi pole Ă”igesti siis lihtsalt ole seal selle inimese jaoks, paku oma Ă”lga, millel nutta vĂ”i kĂ”rva, mis lihtsalt kuulaks, mis vaevab nende sĂŒdant. Ära kunagi tĂ”uka neid eemale. See teeb ainult asja hullemaks.

Kui sul on mingeid kĂŒsimusi vĂ”id tahad rohkem selle teema kohta teada, siis vĂ”ib mulle alati siia ja ka mu sotsiaalmeedia kontodel privaatselt kirjutada.

PS. Mainin ka Àra, et see postitus pole mÔeldud selle jaoks, et otsida tÀhelepanu vÔi haletsust, vaid selleks, et nÀidata ka teistele, et sellisest asjadest rÀÀkimine on tÀhtis. Et see pole mingisugune tabu asi, millest keegi ei tohiks rÀÀkida. 

Kust mind veel leida| YouTube | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook 

Photography Talk

I feel like I haven’t talked much about why or when I started photography, you just kind of saw it come up in blog just out of the blue. But it’s a really big part of my life and it’s something that I want to share with the world. It’s my form of art.

Ma tunnen, et ma rÀÀgin selles pisikeses blogipesas ĂŒsna palju oma elust ja sellega seonduvatest mĂ”tetest, kuid ma pole kunagi seletanud kuidas ma hakkasin fotograafiaga tegelema ja ĂŒldse miks. See lihtsalt ĂŒhel pĂ€eval ilmus siia nagu puhtast Ă”hust. VĂ”i noh tegelikult mitte tĂ€ielikult, aga noh, saate ju aru 😀
Kuid fotograafial on praegusel hetkel minu elus ĂŒsnagi suur roll niiet ma tahan seda jagada teiega. Enda kunstivormi, midagi mis kuulub ainult mulle.

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Why? As you already know, I am quite an artsy person but getting the inspiration to draw is not the same as it used to be when I was younger. And dance, well, I love it but it’s not my art. It’s someone else’s creation, not mine. But I want to create something that is truly and only mine. No one else’s. I can create and develop the image I have in my mind, the images and creations that come to me.

Miks? Kui oled mind juba natuke pikemalt jĂ€lginud siis ilmselt tead juba, et ma olen ĂŒrna kunstiline inimene, kuid kahjuks pole mul viimasel ajal olnud absoluutselt mitte mingit inspriratsiooni joonistamise jaoks vĂ”rreldes sellega, mis see kunagi oli. Ning tantsimisega on lugu nii, et see pole minu loodud kunst. See on kellegi teise kujutlus ja visioon, mitte minu. Kuid ma tahan luua midagi, mis on ainult minu ning loodud minu nĂ€gemuse jĂ€rgi.

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When? I really liked taking photos and making videos even when I was younger, just for fun with my friends. But then life got into the way and I sort of lost my passion for it until last year when I attended in a media camp where I and a group of other young creatives made our own news show. There was also a group of radio and blog people but I was in a television group. And I loved it there. I got my passion back. I got back what I loved and learned to be better. After the camp I just took photos with my phone as I didn’t have a proper working camera but as for my birthday and graduation gift I got my first DSLR camera 3 months later. I couldn’t be more happier. And after that I started learned everything about my camera and how to work with it to create what I have in my mind. And about six months later aka today, I am still learning. I am learning to be better and be my own creative mind.

Millal? Mulle on alati meeldinud teha pilte ja filmida, lihtslt lĂ”bu pĂ€rast koos sĂ”pradega. Kuid kuna tuli teisi asju ette siis see kirg fotograafia vastu kadus lihtsalt kuidagi Ă€ra. Kuid see tuli tagasi, kui osalesin ĂŒhes multimeedia laagris möödunud aprillis. See oli koht kus koos teiste noorte loojatega pidime kĂ”igest 2 pĂ€evaga suutma teha oma uudistesaate ehk siis kavandama ning vĂ€lja mĂ”tlema lood, valima vĂ€lja neist parimad, filmida ning lĂ”puks ka monteerida kĂ”ik kokku. Ning ma leidsin taas selle pisiku nii fotograafia kui ka filmiduse vastu (niivĂ”rd-kuivĂ”rd vĂ”ib minu pisikesi videojuppe nimetada just filmiduseks, aga las see jÀÀb, see oli parim, mis ma selle aja kohta oskasin :D). Igastahes September oli lĂ”puks see aeg kui sain lĂ”puks oma esimese ihaldatud ning kauaoodatud peegelkaamera. Ning pĂ€rast seda olen lihtsalt Ă”ppinud ja katsetanud kĂ”ike ise – minu arust kĂ”ige parem Ă”ppimise viis. Kuid ma Ă”pin iga pĂ€evaga jĂ€rjest rohkem ning saan ka jĂ€rk-jĂ€rgult jĂ€rjest paremaks.

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Since I don’t want to make this post too long I am going to stop here for today. But be sure to let me know if you want part 2 or 3 where I share my tips, what I have learned so far and how to get the most out of your gear. 🙂

Igastahes, kuna ma ei taha seda postitust ajada liiga pikaks siis ma panen siia nĂŒĂŒd pausi. 😀 Kuid kui tahate rohkem teada sellest kuidas midagi teha ning mingisuguseid nippe teada saada siis andke teada ja tulevad ka jĂ€rgmised osad sellele postitusele. 🙂

Where to find me | YouTube | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Snapchat – greeteratsep

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Life as a dancer

Dance. It’s something that has had a huge impact on my life yet I haven’t talked about it much in here. But I think it’s finally time to talk more about it.

Those who know me, know that I have been involved with dance since I was a little girl. I started with gymnastics, went on to learn more about show dance and ended up with street dance. They all made an impact on me and made me the way I am. It has taught me to be more patient, to work hard for what I want and to dream big.

It formed my personality and it has made me more confident. Because it takes a lot of confidence to step up on that stage, perform, show your emotions and give your absolute everything. Just before I get up on that stage, I feel major jiggles on my stomach but it makes me feel alive.

But when the room goes dark and just seconds before the music starts, I feel the spotlight, I feel that all the hours I have spent practising and working for that one moment, that it was all worth it. That all the pain and the tears were worth it in the end. And you can’t imagine how all this happiness bursts out and the tears and shakes start to happen when you get the result you have hoped for so long. It feels unreal. It feels like it isn’t even happening to me.

Where to find me | YouTube | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Snapchat – greeteratsep

Tants. Miski, mis mĂ”jutab mu elu suurel hulgal, kuid millest pole siin peaaegu et ĂŒldse rÀÀkinud. Aga viimaks on aeg, vĂ”i mis te arvate?

Need, kes mind isiklikult tunnevad, teavad, et ma olen tanntsimisega tegelenud juba vĂ€iksest saati. Alustasin kĂŒll tĂ€iesti teistsuguse stiiliga, aga unustanud ma seda sellegi poolest pole ehk siis kĂ”igepealt hakkasin tegelema iluvĂ”imlemisega, edasi Ă”ppisin show-tantsu ning lĂ”puks olen jĂ”udnud tĂ€navatantsuni vĂ€lja. Iga periood kui tegelesin nende erinevate stiilidega erinevates stuudiotes, on jĂ€tnud oma jĂ€lje.

Need kĂ”ik on mĂ”jutanud mu elu erinevatel aegadel ja teinud mind sellisekss nagu ma olen praegu. Need Ă”petasid mulle suuremat kannatlikust, töötama selle nimel mida ma tahan ja unistama suurelt. Tantsimine on mulle andunud ja Ă”petanud nii palju. See on andnud mulle enesekindlust, rÔÔmu, tahet pĂŒĂŒelda kĂ”rgemale ja teinud mind tugevamaks. Ja seda kĂ”ike on vaja kui sa astud lavale.

Kui sa astud sellele lavale, esitad kogu oma viimaste kuude töö selle lĂŒhikese kolme minuti jooksul, kui annad endast kĂ”ik, et teha oma suurimad unistused teoks. Ja kĂ”igest sekundid pimeduses enne seda kui muusika mĂ€ngima lĂ€heb, tunnen, et kogu see töö ja vaev oli lĂ”puks seda vÀÀrt. Ja kĂ”ige parem, uskumatum ja emotsionaalsem moment on see kui, saad tulemuse, mide oled nii kaua oodanud ning mille nimel tööd teinud. See on kĂ”ige uskumatum tunne maailmas.

Kust mind veel leida | YouTube | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Snapchat – greeteratsep

What if everything keeps going wrong?

I think everyone has had the bad days – the days when you just feel like everything goes wrong no matter what and you are just stuck and waiting for the day to finally over.

I can honestly say that I have had quite a few days like this, especially recently. It just feels like I try too hard to make things good but it ends up not being that. And because of that I also haven’t felt quite like myself, like I am disconnected from everyone and everything. It seems a little strange but it’s just that. I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines while everything else just keeps moving forward. So what to do? How do connect with your inner self again and find peace?

All I can say that there is no easy solution, no easy fixes. You just have to let go of everything that bothers you to be happier again. It’s not easy because sometimes you don’t even know what exactly bothers you so (obviously) it’s hard to let go.
You have to take some time off of the life around you and do what makes you happy. For me it’s lighting some candles and cuddling up with a good book to distract me. Oh and taking a hot bath and watching a movie is also something that relaxes me although I don’t do that nearly enough.

What are your tips & tricks to make peace with your inner self?

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Ma arvan, et kĂ”igil on halbu pĂ€evi – pĂ€evi, kus sa tunned, et ĂŒkskĂ”ik mida sa ka ei teeks, kĂ”ik lĂ€heb ikka valesti ja seejĂ€rel lihtsalt ootad, et saabuks Ă”htu, et magama minna ja see kohutav pĂ€ev lĂ”puks seljataha jĂ€tta.

Mul on olnud just viimasel ajal vĂ€ga palju selliseid pĂ€evi. KĂ”ik lihtsalt lĂ€heb valesti ja ma ei oska kuidagi seda parandada, sest isegi kui ĂŒritan teen lihtsalt kĂ”ik hullemaks. Niiet parem on kĂ”ik rahule jĂ€tta. Ning selle tĂ”ttu ma pole tundnud nagu ma oleks mina ise, nagu ma oleks oma kehast eemal ning vaatan kĂ”ike juhtuvalt kĂ”rvalt ja imestan, miks asjad on nii nagu nad on. Niisiis, mida teha? Kuidas sa lood selle ĂŒhenduse oma sisemise minaga ja leiad rahu? (jah, ma mĂ”istan, et see jutt vĂ”ib kĂ”lada vĂ€ga hipilikult, aga las ta jÀÀb.. :D)

Ma saan vaid öelda, et sellele pole mingit imekiiret ja lihtsalt lahendust. Kuid kĂ”ige tĂ€htsam sellise olukorra juures on lihtsalt lahti lasta kĂ”igest, mis sind vaevab. Ning loomulikult on parimaks ravimiks alati ka nende asjade tegemine, mis sulle meeldib vĂ”i siis rahustavad sind. Minu jaoks on sellised tegevused nĂ€iteks kĂŒĂŒnlate sĂŒĂŒtamine ning seejĂ€rel tekkide alla pugemine ja matta ennast mĂ”nda heasse raamatusse. Ja loomulikult pole mitte midagi lÔÔgastavamat kui teha ĂŒks hea kuum vann ja panna mĂ€ngima mĂ”ni mĂ”nus film.

Millised on sinu nipid, et saavutada rahu oma sisemise minaga?

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The Holly Jolly Christmas Tag

Hello everyone! So since Christmas is just around the corner I thought that I would do this fun little tag to start off with my Christmas themed posts. Anyway, I have gathered up 13 questions that maybe also help you to get to know me a lot more better! 🙂

Heii! Kuna jĂ”ulud on peaaegu, et juba nurgataga siis ma tahtsin teha ĂŒhe lĂ”busa postituse, kus on 13 jĂ”uluteemalist kĂŒsimust. Ning selle postitusega alustan ma ka oma jĂ”uluteemalisi postitusi, kuna neid on ĂŒpriski palju ĂŒsna pea tulemas! 😉

1. Favorite Christmas movie?  || Lemmik jĂ”ulufilm?
12 Dates of Christmas, I watched it either last year or a year before that and I freaking love it and the storyline is so so good. || 12 Dates of Christmas, ma vaatasin seda kas eelmine vĂ”i ĂŒleeelmine aasta, aga ma armastan seda filmi, see on lihtsalt nii hea ja armas lugu.

2. Have you ever had a White Christmas? || Kas sul on kunagi olnud valgeid jĂ”ule?
Almost every single year haha 😀 || Peaaegu iga aasta Ă”nneks 😀

3. Do you start Christmas shopping on Black Friday or wait until the last minute? || Kas sa alustad oma sisseostude tegemisega musta reedel vĂ”i jĂ€tad selle viimasele hetkele?
Somewhere in between, I usually do it in the middle of December || Kuskil nende kahe vahepeal, tavaliselt alustan kuskil detsembri keskpaigas.

4. If you could be in any Christmas movie what would it be? || Kui sa saaksid olla ĂŒhes jĂ”ulufilmis siis mis see oleks?
Polar Express, who wouldn’t want to go to that place, it’s like a winter wonderland. || Polaarekspress, sest kes ei tahaks minna sinna, see on nagu talve vĂ”lumaa.


5. Name all Santa’s raindeers. || Nimeta kĂ”ik jĂ”uluvana pĂ”hjapĂ”drad.
Dancer, Rudolf, Comet, Vixon, Cupid, Blitzen, Donner, Prancer, Dasher. I admit that I had to look at least half of these up, I honestly didn’t know all the names haha || Dancer, Rudolf, Comet, Vixon, Cupid, Blitzen, Donner, Prancer, Dasher. Ma pean ausalt tunnistama, et ma pidin vĂ€hemalt pooled neist netist ĂŒles otsima, kuna ma teadnuki neid. 😀

6. When does your family put up your Christmas tree and who decorates it? || Millal sinu pere paneb kuuse ĂŒles ja kes seda kaunistab?
Usually in somewhere in the middle of December. Me and my mom, my sister and dad are not that interested in that haha 😀 || Tavaliselt kuskil ikkagi detsembri keskpaiga poole. Mina ja mu ema, mu Ă”de ja isa pole sellest vĂ€ga huvitatud 😀

7. Is your Christmas tree real or fake? || Kas sul on kuntskuusk vĂ”i pĂ€ris kuusk?
I used to have fake one since I was little but since 2014 we have a real one because now we have room for it.I couldn’t imagine going back to the fake tree as the real one gives me the right Christmas feeling. 🙂 || Üleskasvades oli mul peaaegu alati kunstkuusk, kuna lihtsalt polnud ruumi pĂ€ris kuuse jaoks. Aga alates aastast 2014 on meil kodus ikka olnud pĂ€ris kuusk, kuna minu jaoks annab see ikka Ă”ige jĂ”ulutunde. 🙂

8. Peeking at gifts or to be surprised? || Piiluda kingipakkidesse vĂ”i olla ĂŒllatunud?
To be surprised. Yes I do have the urge to peek sometimes as all the presents go under the tree a few days before but I hold myself back. || Olla ĂŒllatunud. Ma ei hakka valetama, kui ĂŒtlen, et mul pole seda soovi olnud. Loomulikult on. Eriti arvestades, et meil peres lĂ€hevad kingitused juba mĂ”ni pĂ€ev enne jĂ”ule kuuse alla niiet pean ennast tagasi hoidma 😀

9. Show us your ugly Christmas sweater if you have one. || NĂ€ita meile oma koledat jĂ”ulukampsunit kui sul on.
For your sadness I have to say that I have none, I only have one Christmas sweater and I absolutely love it! || Teie kurvastuseks pean ĂŒtlema, et mul ei ole ĂŒhtegi. Mul on ainult ĂŒks jĂ”ulukampsun, aga mulle meeldib see vĂ€ga. 🙂

10. Does your family have a special holiday recipe you like to help make? || Kas sinu perel on mingi eriline pĂŒhade retsept, mille tegemsele sulle meeldib kaasa aidata?
I wouldn’t say that we have a special recipe, as I celebrate Christmas with my mom’s side of the family (we are really really close with them  and have always celebrated our Christmas with them) and since there are about 20 of us then each family does a little something so all the food making doesn’t fall on the one who hosts that year. 😀 || Ma ei ĂŒtleks isegi, et meil on mingi eriline retsept. Kuna me tĂ€histame jĂ”ule mu empsi poolsete sugulastega (me oleme nendega hĂ€sti lĂ€hadesed niiet oleme alati kĂ”ik koos jĂ”ule tĂ€histanud) ja meid on kokku umbes 20 siis teeb iga pere ise natuke midagi nii et kogu söögitegemine ei lĂ€heks ainult sellele, kelle juures parajasti jĂ”ule peame.


11. What tops your Christmas tree? || Mis kaunistus on sinu kuusepuu otsas?
Kind of like this star thingy, but not exactly like a star haha, I don’t know how to describe it 😀 || Mingi selline tĂ€he moodi asi, aga see pole ka pĂ€ris tĂ€ht, ma ei oska seletada, mis asi see on haha 😀

12. Do you make New Years Resolutions? Do you stick with them? || Kas sa teed uusaastalubadusi? Kas sa ka nendest kinni pead?
I usually do, yes. But I choose the goals that I know are achievable and what I can actually do. What is the point of even doing them if you can’t keep them? || Tavalist teen kĂŒll jaa. Kuid ma valin endale lubadused, mida ma tean, et ma suudan ka saanutada. Mis mĂ”tet on isegi teha uusaastalubadusi, kui sa ei suuda neist kinni pidada?

13. You have been granted one Christmas wish… what will it be? || Sulle on antud ĂŒks jĂ”ulusoov… mis see on?
Ohhh that’s a hard one. But I think that my grandma would still be here so she could see all the amazing things that have happened over the past 2-3 years and that she could meet my baby boy Lars (aka my puppy). || Vot see on raske kĂŒsimus. Aga ma arvan see, et mu vanaema oleks veel meiega, et ta saaks nĂ€ha kĂ”iki neid imelisi asju, mis on viimase 2-3 aasta sees juhtunud ja et ta saaks tuttavaks me kutsubeebi Larsiga. 🙂

Okay this is all I have for today and I hope that you enjoyed this little Christmas tag, I ad so much fun answering to all of the questions! I also have lot more posts coming up really really soon so don’t forget to stay tuned. 🙂

See on kĂ”ik, mis mul teile tĂ€naseks on niiet ma tĂ”esti loodan, et teile meeldis selline pisike jĂ”ulupostitus, kus rÀÀkisin lĂ€hemalt ĂŒhest oma lemmikpĂŒhast. Kuna mul on ka palju uusi postitusi ĂŒsna pea tulemas siis Ă€ra unusta tĆĄekata ĂŒle ka mu sotsiaalmeedia kontod, sest sinna tulevad alati esimesena teadaanded ja vĂ€iksed sneak peek‘id! 🙂

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Life update + chitchat

If you don’t know it already then I am starting my studies in a new school called Viljandi GĂŒmnaasium which is a high school in my hometown (high school in Estonia starts when you are 16 years old and going to 10th grade) and we have a different system there than I had in middle school. And that means that I can study more of what I want. Basically everyone chooses their own specialisations for example who wants to study medicine after then they (probably) choose science and those who are interested in maths are more likely to choose maths-physics. Since I want to study abroad after I finish high school then the most logical choice for me was to choose language specialisation. But there are many other reasons as well.

And going on with that then many people have asked me why I chose to study that. The answer for me is really simple because I know what I want from life. And that’s that I want to take everything this world has to offer and because of that I can’t see my future in Estonia. At least not right now. Of course I can chance my mind and stay in here but for now it’s not what I want. So since I really want to study abroad I have to speak English very good, well if to be honest then fluently so I could understand everything haha. 😀
And if I go on with what I want to do in the future then I can’t say it for sure as I am very indecisive and chance my mind all the time haha. But I kind of do know the direction of what interest me and what I would like to do in the future as well. And the things are either journalism/literature, photography or something with art. Of course there are some requirements that I want my future job to have and that would be that I can do something creative and it would have to have flexible work hours. I don’t really like that my job would be a routine and from one time to another, I want it to be in different times every time so it would be exciting for me to go to work. You may have noticed that I kind of based these choices on my hobbies so they are the most obvious choices for me at the moment.

I know that many think that these are not the most realistic kinds of dreams/options for the future because it’s hard to make it in all of these industries. But so what – I don’t care. These are the things that interest me and I am not that kind of person who could do a job that I do not like. I just can’t so I am going to persuade my dream and believe that it will work out for me in the end. I like to think that if I put enough work and effort into what I want and also believe in myself then I am going to get it.

I am going to stop the chat about my future and school here and will continue with another topic what is something that I quickly want to talk to you about. And the topic is making decisions. I want to talk about this one because of what others have said to me about me coloring my hair half pink (ombre style). I know that just about now you may think how these two are connected but they are, just read on and you will find out how! 😉

So a few weeks ago I decided to do something that I have wanted for years and that was coloring my hair pink, well half-way as I already said.
Okay it’s not as pink as I initially thought I wanted, it’s more pinkish purple or like pink  mixed with dark purple. Haha anyway I hope you get what I mean. But to my surprise I really like this color, it suits me.
The reason why I wanted to talk about it a little is because some of my close family members think that I did it as a sign of rebellion or just because everyone else does that (which they are not FYI!) But you know what? It’s not true. The thing was that I wasn’t really happy with my natural hair color which is this boring potato-skin kind of color and I felt like it wasn’t me and I didn’t like it anymore.

I wanted to put some of that sparkly and bubbly personality of mine to my hair as well because I feel like it represents me a lot more. I am very fond of colors and they make me happy so yes, I colored my hair pink. I did it so that I would feel more like me and that I would feel more confident. Of course it may look bad if not done beautifully but I like to take care of my hair and so far I am absolutely in love with my hair and I have not regretted even once that I did it.
It gives me such a great mood when I get to style my hair now and I feel so much more confident and that was all I wanted out of it.

Oh an that color I have now is not a permanent one so every time I wash my hair it gets more lighter and like more dustier looking until it’s all gone.  So sometime in the near future I have to go to my hairdresser again to let her put the permanent color on so it won’t wash away. I can’t already wait it but the thing is that I am really bad at scheduling my appointments haha so that one is going to be a challenge lol. 😀

And here’s is also a photo of how my hair is now. 🙂
To see more photos then also follow me in Instagram and there are also lots of photos of my everyday life. 😉

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Kes veel ei tea seda siis see aasta asusin Ă”ppima uude kooli ehk siis Viljandi GĂŒmnaasiumisse ning suunaks valisin endale vÔÔrkeele suuna. Ning see siis tĂ€hendab, et ma Ă”pin sĂŒvendatumalt inglise keelt kui teiste suundade Ă”ppijad ning see oli ka peamine pĂ”hjus miks selle valisin. Kuid on pĂ”hjuseid teisigi.

 Nii mĂ”nedki on kĂŒsinud, et miks just selle valisin. Minu jaoks on see vastus lihtne, kuna ma tean mida ma tahan. Ma tahan vĂ”tta sellelt elult kĂ”ik, mis on vĂ”imalik ja sel pĂ”hjusel ei nĂ€e oma tulevikku Eestis. See arvamus vĂ”ib ka iga hetk muutuda aga praegu vĂ€hemalt mitte. Ehk siis kuna ma tahan minna vĂ€lismaale edasi Ă”ppima siis inglise keelt lĂ€heb mul igastahes vaja. Ja kui jĂ€tkata selle teemaga, et mida ma siis ikkagi elus teha tahan siis vastuseks ma midagi kindlat ei saa öelda, kuna ausalt öeldes olen ma vĂ€ga otsustamatu vahetevahel niiet ilmselgelt ei oska ma isegi tĂ€pset vastust öelda, aga kĂ”ige tĂ”enĂ€olisemalt on see tegemist (aja)kirjanduse, fotograafia vĂ”i kunstiga ehk siis midagi loovat ning mis oleks vĂ€ga paindlik töö. Ning loomulikult peaks see mulle vĂ€ga meeldima. Hetkel on need minu jaoks kĂ”ige mĂ”istlikumad ja loogilisemad valikud, kuna need kĂ”ik on ka mu hobid. 

Ma tean, et mĂ”ned arvavad, et mitte ĂŒkski neist variantidest pole just kĂ”ige reaalsem unistus/tulevikuvalik, kuna nendes on raske lĂ€bi lĂŒĂŒa. Aga teate mis? Mind ei huvita. Ma olen sellist tĂŒĂŒpi inimene, kes lihtsalt ei suudaks teha tööd, mis mulle ei meeldi. Mulle meeldib mĂ”elda, et kui piisavalt tööd ja pingutusi panna millegi tegemisse siis on vĂ”imalik ka saavutada tulemust mida ma tahan.

Okei, selle kooli ja tuleviku koha pealt lĂ”petan ma jutu siin ning lĂ€hen teise teemaga edasi, aga see on ka selline asi, millest tahtsin kiirelt juttu teha. Ning selleks siis on otsuste tegemine. Ning selle all tahan ma just rÀÀkida sellest, mida mulle on öeldud selle kohta, et otsustasin oma juukseid pooleldi vĂ€rvida. Ilmselt vĂ”id nĂŒĂŒd juba mĂ”elda, et kuidas see teemaga ĂŒldse kokku puutub aga vot puutub kĂŒll!

Nimelt otsustasin juba paar nĂ€dalat tagasi, et aeg on Ă€ra teha asi, mida olen juba mitu aastat tahtnud teha ehk siis vĂ€rvida oma juuksed pooleldi roosaks. Okei, praegu on see vĂ€rv kĂŒll rohkem roosakas-lilla aga mulle vĂ€ga meeldib ka see. Ning miks ma sellest tahtsin juttu teha oli sellepĂ€rast, et mĂ”ned mu lĂ€hedased arvavad, et tegin seda lihtsalt kiusu pĂ€rast vĂ”i sest teised teevad ka (mida nad ei tee enam nii vĂ€ga muideks, aga noh ega mid siis ju ei kuulata :D) . Aga teate mis? See pole tĂ”si. Asi oli lihtsalt selles, et mulle ei meeldinud see ĂŒksluine kartulikoore vĂ€rv, mis mul terve elu on olnud. Ma tahtsin ka oma juustele lisada seda isikupĂ€ra ja sĂ€rtsu, mida mulle meeldib vĂ€ljendada oma riietuse aga ka kunstiga. VĂ€rvid on mind alati rÔÔmsaks teinud niiet miks mitte lisada natuke vĂ€rvi ka oma juustele, et saaksin olla enesekindlam ja rohkem mina. Ja kui aus olla siis pole ma kordagi seda siiamaani kahetsenud – ma tunnen ennast paremini ning enesekindlamalt ja see ongi see, mida ma tahtsin. 

Hetkel pole mul veel pĂŒsivĂ€rvi peal ehk siis see vĂ€rv, mis praegu on peal, kulub iga pesukorraga maha ning varsti on see lĂ€inud. Niiet pean lĂ€hiajal tegema veel ĂŒhe juuksurikĂŒlastuse, et saada pĂ€he pĂŒsivĂ€rv. Ei jĂ”ua seda enam Ă€ra oodata aga noh see tuletab ka meelde seda, et loogiline ja ainus asi, mida vaja veel teha on helistada ka juuksurile ja aeg panna. Mida ma, aga unustan koguaeg teha haha. 😀

Pisike pilt siis ka millised mu kiharad hetkel vĂ€lja nĂ€evad. Kuna pole pĂŒsivĂ€rv siis vĂ€rv ka tuhmub aga siiski mulle meeldib. 🙂

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Girl Behind The Words #1

As some of you may know, I wanted to do a more personal post a while ago and I asked you guys what you would want to know more about and I got two things that had the same exact amount of votes so I am going to do a little series called Girl Behind The Words so you can get to know me more on a personal level. I am not sure though when I am going to make another one but anyway.

The 2 categories that tied were.. drum roll please…

…childhood and my life as it is now.

For the first post I decided to talk about my childhood.
If to think back then I was a very awkward and pretty unsocial kid. I didn’t have many friends and I was okay with it most of the times. But when your best friend plays with the kids that don’t like you and don’t let to join the games, having very few friends sucked. I always felt odd and different from the other kids, I didn’t particularly liked the things they liked and as kids do, they kind of ignored me and didn’t really acknowledge my existence. It was hard at times but I didn’t let it bother much as I had many friends around the place I lived. It was out of town but there were many kids around my age an I got along with them really well.

But other than that, I was a happy kid. I had lots of animals to play with (at my grandma’s house) but since I have moved quite a lot, I didn’t have any animals of my own although having my very own dog was my biggest wish as long as I can remember. But we went to my grandma’s place a lot. And I loved it. I remember that when we were there, I was playing games with my big sis and always climbing on the trees. It was so much fun because I was the real tomboy girl, I didn’t care about how I looked like, I just wanted to go on a lot of adventures and it was amazing.

The one thing that I really remember is that when I was a bit older and could be out all by myself, me and my friend went to the woods to find something to do as we were both bored to death. We walked pretty far until we found a little stream and next to it was a big and strong tree so we decided that we would build our own tree house there. Of course we did it just by ourselves and no need to say that we didn’t really know how to build a tree house but we tried. After we finished it we were both so proud but neither of us had the courage to climb up to the tree house. We were afraid that we would fall. Then we just hanged around there for a little while and then decided to go back home.A few days passed by and we thought that we should go and check out how our tree house lived but when we went back we didn’t find it anywhere. I guess it was too weak and fell apart. But it’s just my guess haha.

Since this post is already kind of long then I am just going to stop here but if you want to know more then just leave a comment down below and just let me know. This is just a little piece of what my life looked like when I was younger.

Thank you all for reading my little ramble and I hope that maybe you can see a little better what kind of person I actually am. Love you lots, x.

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Nagu mĂ”ned teist vĂ”ivad juba teada siis tahtsin juba vĂ€ga tĂŒkk aega tagasi juba teha rohkem sellist isiklikumat postitust ning ma kĂŒsisin mida te minu kohta teada tahaksite. Kuna 2 kategooriat, mis teile vĂ€lja pakkusin said sama palju hÀÀli siis teen mitu postitust pikema perioodi jooksul. 

Ning need kategooriad, mis sama palju hÀÀli said olid… trummipĂ”rin…

…minu lapsepĂ”lv ja milline on minu elu praegu.

Esimeseks postituseks selles seerias otsustasin siis teha enda lapsepÔlve kohta.
NĂŒĂŒd kui ma mĂ”tlen sellele ajale tagasi siis ma olin vĂ€ga kohmakas ja ebasotsiaalne laps. Mul polnud vĂ€ga palju sĂ”pru, kuna ma ei osanud sĂ”pru teha ning minu jaoks polnud see enamus ajast probleemiks, et mul oli vĂ€hem sĂ”pru kui teistel. Aga raskem oli siis kui ka need kĂ”ige paremad ja lĂ€hedasemad sĂ”brad olid koos teistega, kellele ma ei meeldinud. Sel ajal ma veel ei mĂ”istnud, et ma ei saagi kĂ”igile siin maailmas meeldida, mitte keegi ei saa, aga ega siis lasteaialaps sellest ju veel aru ei saa.

Ma tundsin, et olin erinev ja imelikum teistest lastest ja mitte just paremas mĂ”ttes.  Kuid ma ei lasknud sellel ennast heidutada, kuna Ă”nneks oli mul enda kodu ĂŒmbruses (suhteliselt) palju lapsi ning nendega sain ma vĂ€ga hĂ€sti alati lĂ€bi.

Aga peale selle olin ma Ă”nnelik laps. Mul oli palju loomi, kellega mĂ€ngida vanaema juures maal aga kuna me perega oleme kolinud ĂŒsna palju siis meil endal kodus ĂŒhtegi kodulooma polnud. Kuigi see on olnud mu suurim unistus nii kaua kui ma mĂ€letan. Kuid me kĂ€isime maal vanaema juures suhteliselt palju ning ma armastasin seda.
Ma mĂ€letan, et alati kui me seal kĂ€isime siis mina ja mu suur Ă”de mĂ€ngisime palju erinevaid mĂ€nge ja ronisime palju puude otsa. See oli ĂŒks mu lemmik tegevus kui ma vĂ€iksem olin. Ning see oli vĂ€ga lĂ”bus kuna ma olin selline maaplika, kes ei hooliud milline ma vĂ€lja nĂ€gin vaid tahtsin koguaeg minna erinevatele nn. avastusretkedele maal ja see oli imeline.

Üks asi, mida ma mĂ€letan vĂ€ga hĂ€sti on see, kui ma olin juba pisu vanem ja vĂ”isin olla ĂŒksina Ă”ues nii et mu Ă”de ei pidanud mind valvama (ehk siis Ă€kki esimeses klassis??). Ühel pĂ€eval mina ja mu tolleaegne parim sĂ”branna otsustasime minna metsa ja otsida endale tegevust kuna meil oli surmigav. Me lĂ€ksime ĂŒpris sĂŒgavale metsa (see oli ĂŒhe suure tee ÀÀres, mis viis meid kodu juurde niiet me ei eksinud Ă”nneks Ă€ra :D) kuni leidsime ĂŒhe pisikese ojakese ning selle kĂ”rval oli ĂŒks suur puu.


Niiet me siis otsustasime ehitada endale puumajakese, sest et noh, miks mitte! Loomulikult tegime selle valmis kĂ”igest kahekesi ja see on siililegi selge, et kĂ”ige kindlam see just polnud. Aga me ĂŒritasime ja kuidagi selle valmis ka meisterdasime ja hiljem olime maru uhked enda ĂŒle, et sellise khm, iluduse, valmis tegime. Ja veel tĂ€isesti ise. Aga kuna hakkas  pimedaks kiskuma siis lĂ€ksime koju tagasi. MĂ”ni pĂ€ev lĂ€ks mööda ning mĂ”tlesime tagasi minna ja vaadata kas me saaksime seal ka juba mĂ€ngida. Kui oh ĂŒllatust, tagasi minnes ei leidnud oma uhket pesa kuskilt ĂŒles. Ilmselt see oli juba esimese ööga Ă€ra lagunenud ja noh, ega ma ei imestaks ka. 😀

Kuna see postitus on ka juba pĂ€ris pikaks lĂ€inud siis siinkohal tĂ€na lĂ”petan, aga kui tahad rohkem teada siis anna mulle kommentaarides teada. Igastahes see siis on kĂ”igest killuke, milline mu elu on siiamaani olnud kuid ehk saite nĂŒĂŒd minust natuke rohkem teada ja aimu milline inimene ma siis ikkagi olen. 😀

Ja suur aplaus kui suutsid minu khmm, pisikest jutustamist lugeda. 😀