The past year of my life has been a real rollercoaster. There have been some really low points but also some high ones. And I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about myself but also friendship, love and importance of my own health. I have had times when I can’t control my emotions, when it feels like absolutely everything is going wrong. I cannot tell you how much I have started to value everything that I have in my life.
The most difficult thing that I have faced has been – of course – my illness. It has taken me down and took away the control I so much need. But when something like this happens, you have to face it and then accept it. Of course it’s always easier said than done but it still applies.
“when you fall, you have two choices – you either stay on the ground or you get up and try again”
And it is that simple. I know that I probably won’t have a full control again but I chose to control the things I can. I can control my attitude and my behavior towards others. So this is what I do. I have the control in this situation and that makes me feel safe.
“family is bound by blood, friends by love, trust and affection”
This has been a year of changes. I have lost some friends I thought would be in my life for a long time but as the time passes, people just drift apart. I still love and care about them but life happens. We all change and it would be foolish to expect for everything to stay the same at all times. For example, when I was little I had this beautiful pink coat. I loved it and if it would’ve been possible I would’ve worn it allll the time. I loved it and it was dear to me but as I got older, it just didn’t fit anymore. I grew out of it. But that didn’t meant that I didn’t love it anymore.
And this is the case with lost friends. They go but they never leave your heart. You still have that little space for them in your heart.
But it’s not all sad. When some people go, new ones come to place. That is the circle of life. And truth be told, I don’t know how I have been so lucky to get such amazing friends who support me whenever it’s needed, push me when I myself don’t have the courage to do something. And when it’s a harder day I know that they make it better, even if they don’t know when something is not okay. They are my people and they make my life better. This is what matters in life.
You know you have your people around you when you can be your own silly self and they become even sillier and y’all can laugh about it together. But also when you can talk about the deep stuff. This is what true friends are. They listen, are there for you for the happy times and when things get bad. They are there and make sure you are okay and help however they can.
“when you love someone, nothing else matters than their well-being and caring about someone other than you and your own needs”
I know that I share quite a lot of myself online but one thing that I am extremely private about is my relationships. It’s one part of my life that I want to keep to myself but I still want to tell you a little about how my relationships have affected me and the course of my life.
I have been in love. I was head ober heels for this guy but later I found out the person I was with, wasn’t the kind I thought him to be. I gave him all my trust and love but it wasn’t all mutual. It was a hard and messy relationship overall. But even despite of that, I did love him and deeply cared about him. But what happened between us was a little too much. The only thing I will never forgive anyone is betraying my trust. And he betrayed my trust to the point where I just can’t trust people completely anymore. I keep a lot to myself to keep from getting hurt again. It really sucks but I am still learning to cope with it. I want to love like that again. I want to care about someone like that again but it’s hard. I locked my heart away so far that even I can’t find it anymore.
But the hardest moment was a little while ago when I had someone new in my life. It was then when we had been together for a little bit when I realized that I care about him but I never really loved him. Not like he did me. I think that the timing was just really off for me. Because how could I love someone when I keep my heart locked away from it? And I couldn’t do this to him. I knew it was time to let him go and deal with the problems I have. It is hard because I know that I hurt him but going further with the relationship where I couldn’t give him my love would hurt both of us a lot more in a long run.
So, what I want to say in conclusion is that life throws a lot in our way and it’s not always the things we want but we need to accept them, learn something and move on to something else. This is how life works. But if you get too stuck in your own mind or in the past then trust me when I say that everyone has had things in their life that have hurt them but this isn’t enough of a reason to give up. Better things are coming when you just believe and carry on living. Trust me, I know.